Bekka

I know I started this blog to write about my feelings during Steph's deployment and being a pseudo-parent, but as I'm sure a lot of blogs do, its kind of turning into my feelings on a lot of things. So, bear with me.

Allow me to start with some back-story, if you will. I met my very bestest friend, Jess in the 6th grade. We were inseparable and even to this day talk at least 3 times a week. When I was living back in Washington, we spent as much time together as her work schedule allowed. Jess had a younger sister, Bekka. Bekka was probably about 5 when I met her and she instantly became the little sister I never had. There was a lot of typical sibling squabbles over the years, but Jess's family is my family and vice-versa. By the time Bekka got to high school, the three of us were very close, and the year I spent at home (last year), we spent a lot of time together.

Seven months ago tomorrow (27 October), Steph, DJ, and I had spent the morning shopping at Target for things we needed at the new house here in Laurel. We opted for lunch at a place we'd never been to "Chic-Fil-A". Just as we sat down to eat, my cell phone rang and it was Jess. I don't normally answer at mealtime, as its inconsiderate, but something told me to answer. She was frantic: "My dad thinks Bekka is dead". Jess's apartment is only a few minutes from her dad's house, and she could hear sirens as she tried to calm herself enough to drive over there. I didn't hear from her for three hours. I got another call from her: "We are waiting for the medical examiner". The only words out of my mouth were: "So, it's true?" Bekka had died, apparently in her sleep. It couldn't be true. Bekka was just barely 19. Healthy 19-year-olds don't just die in their sleep.

Sadly, Bekka did pass away in her sleep, at 19 years of age. The autopsy showed nothing. 18 weeks later, the toxicology reports confirmed that her heart just spontaneously stopped. There were naturally occuring chemicals in her blood that showed her body tried to restart the electrical impulses to her heart, but could not. Bekka was healthy. She had just graduated high school and started college. She was in a great relationship. She was an amazingly talented artist and musician. Her whole life was ahead of her and for no reason whatsoever, she was taken from us. (And yes, I realize that when Heath Ledger died, it only took 10 days to get his toxicology reports. We were still waiting for Bekka's when that happened and needless to say, we were rather annoyed.)

I had seen Bekka the day before I left to drive cross-country. I have a couple photographs that I snapped. I had no idea that less than a month later, she would be gone. One of the toughest parts of the whole thing was that I was 3000 miles away from home. I could do nothing to help, I talked with Jess a lot, listened, we laughed and cried. I managed to make a very short trip home over Veteran's Day weekend. It was nearly impossible to get into the car and drive the 15 minutes to Jess's dad's house, knowing Bekka would not be there.

Most of the time, because I'm so far from home, it's easy to not think about this horrible loss. I'm not there to see the void. Sometimes, because of a song or just a random thought, I remember that she's not a part of this world anymore and it's absolutely heartbreaking. I'm not even sure what triggered it tonight, but I miss her so much.

I know God has a plan, but sometimes those plans are very painful for those left behind.

Random

In being a parent, or pseudo-parent, you make sacrifices. One of my sacrifices, upon DJ's moms departure was giving up my guitar lessons. I don't have adequate childcare to continue, although I will probably try to get a couple lessons in while my mom is in town. My guitar teacher was so great (and super cute!) and is very flexible with lesson times. I just wanted to say that I really miss my guitar lessons, I miss my guitar teacher, and I miss my sanity. Oh wait...I'm not sure I can miss something I never really had....

Growing up

Where does the time go? DJ "graduated" from school today. He finished his year in the 3's class and will move into the 4's class this fall. He even got a diploma!

I remember the first day of this "job", 18 October 2004. I was only supposed to take care of DJ for two weeks, until a spot at daycare opened up. I think it only took two days before I decided to take care of him full-time. DJ is the kind of kid that, even as a baby, could capture your heart and own it forever. I took a picture that first day...

Now, three and a half years down the road, he has finished his first year of preschool, I'm raising him on my own, and while I constantly doubt my abilities, his mom, my family, other parents at school, tell me what an amazing job I have done, so I must be doing something right.

Hard to believe that little 7 month old is now 4 years old and has a preschool diploma!!!

Speechless

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman called "Speechless". I have never felt the lyrics of that song more than I do now. The past seven months have been very trying. So much has happened, good and bad. Some things were big, some were very small. No matter what has happened, it has all somehow worked out. It's no secret that I have struggled in my faith. I'm sure everyone does at some point, but I really had a hard time believing that God would allow me to go through some things that I had to go through. When I was a teenager, away at summer camp, I accepted Christ as my Savior. I'm sure I meant it at the time, but I had yet to go through some of the hardest times in my life and I lost sight of all that. A few days before I left to move to Maryland, back in October, I sat down with my cousin, who also happened to be my Pastor, and we talked for a long time. I accepted Christ as my Savior again and I have felt his presence with me ever since, something I have not felt before in my life.

Some of the things that have occurred could be explained as simply as good people doing nice things, but I know it is God's hand. I am new in this walk and I am truly speechless. The lyrics say it best:

I am Speechless
I'm astonished and amazed
I am silenced by your wondrous grace.
You have saved me
You have raised me from the grave.
And I am Speechless
In your presence now.
I'm astounded as I consider how
You have shown us a love that leaves us speechless

Stress, excitement, and scrapbooking

The past 24 hours has been nerve-wracking. There is a lot of household stress, which I won't get into right now. All I can do at this point is rely on prayer and know that God won't give me more than I can handle.

You know those big storms they have had in the midwest, with the tornadoes? Well, after they get cycled through there, often times we get a stripped-down version. Last night's storm was not as stripped-down as I would like. 5-6 inches of rain, flooding, sink holes, 30-40mph winds. If there were any tornadoes, I haven't heard about them, but there have been several in somewhat close proximity in recent weeks. We made it through the night and while we are expected to receive an additional 1-3 inches of rain today, the winds have calmed for now. One other thing...last week, it was near or over 80 degrees everyday, the past few days have been in the low 60's and today we will only reach 50! The house feels so cold in comparison to last week.

I got very exciting news today, which helps a lot with the above-mentioned stress. My mom has been planning to visit for part of the summer. I miss her so much and it will be great to have someone else around the house. Plus, DJ LOVES Grandma Joan!!! We are going to do quite a bit of traveling, considering trips north to Connecticut and possibly upstate New York. We will most definitely be visiting more sites in DC and out to Baltimore to see the Inner Harbor and some other historical sites. Also, down into Virginia to Monitcello (Thomas Jefferson's home), Colonial Williamsburg, and south to the Outer Banks of North Carolina (setting of just about every book of one of my favorite authors, Nicholas Sparks). She will be here from 8 July until 19 August and I can't wait!!!

Those scrapbook pages I mentioned...I don't think they have turned out very well, but they are appropriate for the occasion. I took pictures of some of his better art projects and a picture from when the fireman visited, shrunk them down, and pasted them on. There are a lot of similarities between the pages, but like I said before, I'm not great at this creative stuff. See for yourself....

Mother's Day Tea

DJ goes to preschool a couple days a week and it's such a great place. He's made lots of friends and I have made some friends with the moms. One tradition the school has is a Mother's Day Tea. The kids learn some songs, which they perform for us, and then we get to have juice and cookies. It was very cute!

The morning was a little chaotic, as DJ had to be at school at 9:30, I dropped him off, rushed home to shower and change (I dropped him off in sweats, lazy me), and rush back to the school by 11.

The kids get to pick jobs everyday and DJ chose to be the flag holder, he always picks that job. We have tried to talk him into doing other things, like the weather or being line leader, but no, he wants to be flag holder. I would like to say it's because he is just that patriotic, but the reality is, he wants to stand up in the center of the room and have everyone stare at him. That's just DJ. At the beginning of their program yesterday, he got to stand up in front of all his class and all the Mom's and hold the flag. I have to say, all bias aside, he was the star performer. He sang all the words to every song, did all the right hand motions. All the kids did a great job, and while I wish DJ's mom could be there, I was honored to play pseudo-mom and DJ seemed very happy to have me there.

My big task for the next week is trying to summon some inner creativity and make scrapbook pages for each of his teachers. One of the other Mom's decided that instead of just giving gift cards like they usually do, we should make each teacher a scrapbook instead. I'm really not very good with that sort of thing, but I'm going to try my best. It's just one page for each teacher, it can't be that hard, right?!

Day Six

This week has gone by pretty fast. DJ had school, we are now in his last month and I'm sad. He has so much fun playing with his friends and learning new things. Fortunately, I have exchanged phone numbers with some of the mom's, and there are some great parks around here, so we have already been discussing playdates.

I made a construction paper chain, which has 216 links. One for each day Steph is supposed to be gone on this deployment. It could end up being shorter, could be longer. You never really know. DJ and I will remove one link everyday, until his mom comes home.

Today was Lakefest. We live in a part of Laurel known as Laurel Lakes. This is because of the lake down the street (imagine that!), and I guess they have this celebration every year, to kick off the spring/summer. The weather was nice (upper 70's, a little overcast, a little breezy), so we packed up the stroller and walked down to the lake. DJ was far from impressed, even though he could have climbed on a fire truck, watched a police dog demonstration, hold a snake and a lizard and numerous other things. Oh, but he did see a kite. He whined and complained and wanted to go home, almost as soon as we got there, but we stayed. We watched a goofy singer and some children's dance groups.

Oh yeah, DJ got a haircut. This isn't really news. It was needed. Its summer short now, even though it will need to be cut again in a few weeks.

I'm surviving alright. Taking care of DJ is not a foreign concept to me and the day-to-day routines are the same. The only real difference right now is that Steph doesn't come home at the end of the day and I have had to make some sacrifices in my personal life. DJ seems to be completely unphased by the entire thing, which makes my job a lot easier.

I miss home. I miss my family. DJ and I haven't had a chance to revisit the church we attended around Christmas. Maybe tomorrow....